blulagoon1315

Ew. I was sick today :[ And dad went to CT... again. Yeah, pretty cool day. I sat home and watched TV. and listened to music. I was supposed to hang out with Deana today, but ummm... it didn't happen. But that's okay I guess. I spent the day with my dogs :[ Goodness that's BORING! But oh well, I got through it. Oh well I'm really tired now. I don't know why, but I'm prolly going to bed.

NIGHT! :]


PS. Does anyone know that asads means? If it even means something. Haha I yelled at some kid, and he said "asads" and signed off. Um Whatever he blocked me. I'm really upset.. NOT! He was such a perv... OH well. andd my mother told me not to gauge any higher than an 8. um sure? haha whatever... NIGHT!

YOUR ALLOWANCE EXCEEDS MY RENT.



boring boring boring day.
AND I FEEL LIKE CRAP:[

Wow, nothing has happened for like the longest time. I've been kinda bored but whatever. Yesterday was awesome, I went to Jaime's and we gave her sax back. She was like "what? I can't play it, it's broken." And my mom and I were just telling her to open it and play it, 'cause we fixed it like 2 weeks ago:] Jaime was so happy! And it made me happy to see her happy, because the last time I saw her, she was really upset and I couldn't do anything about it, and I felt really bad:[ But yeah that was like the best thing to see because she was so happy.

And well, this morning I wake up to listening to my dad and brother fighting. Wow, that's great. I love listening to it...not. They kinda put me in a bad mood:[

Yeah, so today was pretty boring:(. Shopping with mom. Oh so fun... not really. And then later this afternoon, Midnight and Baxter were fighting:(. We have to put Midnight down even though Paul doesn't want to. He doesn't want to see her die, but honestly, it's the best thing for us to do. Midnight has become more aggressive and we really don't want to deal with it, and we don't really want to put another family through her aggressiveness. But we really think it's better if we putt her down instead of letting her hurt Bax even more than she has.

Ah. Okay. It's 12:45, and I should be sleeping, but um I'm not! Duh. Haha, yeah and well I'm listening to Backstreet Boys. I need a life. Hmm..maybe I'll take Dan's route;) JUST KIDDING. I'm not into whatever the hell he does.

Well um anyway. I'm kinda sad now, because I think Dan deleted his myspace. I lost his number, and he's never online. Mike is hardly EVER on so it's almost pointless to even try to talk to him. Oh and plus I'm not really into Mike. Yeah, so what I thought I liked him like 2 months ago, but I don't know. That's a whole different story for another night:). Lately I've been wanting to talk to Dan. I don't know why, but there's no way I can get a hold of him. Also him going to California soon isn't going to help me at all. I'm doing fine with him here. But hmm, what if he leave MA without me knowing. Then I'll just easily forget about him:) Hmm hopefully that works. I might as well just block him/delete him from my buddy list altogether. Then I'll be happy:)

Ahh whateverrrrrr. I'm kinda sorta happy now. I don't really know why. But I'm like extatic. Goodness. I need a life. I need a job. I basically need out of Sandwich. Sandwich is doing jack for me right now. I'm completely done with it here. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Whatever. I might as well go and try my hardest to sleep. Haha Lorna should be happy that I'm waking up at like 8:30 for her. And then I get to see Deana at like 10. !!!!!! Ah yeah. Haha by 10, Paul, Kevin, Katie, and Adam will be wicked close to Fitchburg. I hope they have funnn! I know I could have been there, but I chose to stay home and go to the pond/possibly sleep? Ahhh sleep sounds nice right about now:)

Wow. Today was actually kind of fun. I went out to Hyannis with my mom to order my Southeast book, and get my dad's birthday present. My mom and I had a lot of fun picking out the fish for my dad. the only thing is that when he saw the fish he just had a really bad attitude, he was like "Oh yeah those things are going back. I'm not going to keep them here at my house." blah blah blah. Then he pulls something off like "Oh yeah well get the divorce papers, and I'll sign them." Ugh I don't know why he has to pull that on his 41st birthday. He got me so mad. I don't understand why he has to act like that. It makes me feel like my mom, Paul, and I are just not even worth having around. I don't know. IT kinda sucks because he never tells us he loves us or anything. It's just not the best feeling in the world.

Oh well.. I think this year for Southeast is DEFINATELY going to SUCK monkey balls. I heard the song already, and I'm already thinking about backing out. But I can't. We ordered my book already. Ughhh. Not fair. Haha oh well.

Ah so today is pretty much just uneventful. I have nothing to do. The only thing that actually happened was that Paul asked me if I wanted to go to Warped Tour with him, Kevin, Katie, and Adam. But I doubt I'm going to go. Because if I feel out of place with some people that I hung out with yesterday, then I know for a fact that I'd feel really out of place with Paul and his friends. I think I'm just going to be like "Sorry I'm not really wanting to go anymore" I would go if Kevin, Katie, and Adam and I were better friends, but I barely know Katie, I've met Adam once, and well Kevin is just Kevin. He's easy to get a long with because he's basically a second Paul. But yeah, I really doubt I'll be going. But then again I honestly don't care, because it's Warped Tour, and I a) have no money. abd b)if my parents paid for my ticket I'd have to pay them back, even though the tickets are like $30, I'd still have to pay them back and I don't even have a job yet, so yeah that would basically be completely and totally IMPOSSIBLE.

Oh well, other than that happening today... Nothing is going on. The only thing that's going on is the fact that I've had one of the worst migraines of my life this whole week. I'm finally going to go to the doctor on Tuesday to see if I can be put on any kind of medication to stop getting these headaches. I'm so sick of it. I don't want to be brought down for the rest of the summer at all. Especially if my neck is getting really tight my them. It's just starting to really annoy me. It's hard to explain to my dad and brother even, because they've never had dealt with this, and it's a good thing they havn't. I wouldn't ever want them to deal with this. Not even my worst enemy.

Okay so yeah, I think too much. I heard "If You're Gone" by Matchbox 20 the other day, and just now, I think I figured something out. I miss something, and that something I won't get back for a while. I miss how happy I was when I liked Dan. Yeah, I know I probably shouldn't even think about those days, but I miss them. Which really sucks, because I honestly was happier then, and that sounds weird, because I really knew our relationship wasn't going further than friends, yeah I wanted it, but nope, it wasn't going to happen. And that's perfectly fine with me! I could have cared less. But yeah I realized I miss rhose days:( It kinda makes me sad to think about them for some reason. I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do.

Today was a lot of fun though, I got to see Jess, Emily, Krysta, Reilly, and Deana. It was pretty fun. I hadn't seen Emily since the last day of school:( It was very exciting.
XoJen

Okay, this wasn't the best weekend:(. Yeah.. Deana and I had an awesome movie night last night, and then went to see Krysta sing tonight which was a lot of fun. The only thing was that I've had a headache since Friday :( It kinda ruined it a bit for me. But I pushed it aside and tried having fun!

So yeah, tomorrow, I'm going job hunting with Deana. AGAIN. Ah we need jobs so bad. It's just getting so annoying sitting at home doing nothing. And speaking of home, now thanks to Paul, everything has changed for me. Curfew, stupid chores list, and nights that I can go out. Oh this isn't exactly going to be fun, because summer is supposed to be fun, but thanks to Paul mine is going to suck. I hope he has a sucky summer too now, because I'm tired of suffering for his mistakes. It's seriously just starting to piss me off. I can't stand sitting in the same room with him knowing that everything is changing for me as well as him. It's so pointless and I hate suffering along with him.

Oh well, completely off subject, but Shane and Kristin moved out today. It's kinda sad though, 'cause they were our only good nieghbors. Well, now we're getting older guys. I want an actual family that will live next door to us. Ugh that's not cool, I'm so sick of hacing new neighbors every year. It's the weirdest thing.. it's like people either don't like the house or neighborhood, or just can't pay to live there. I really don't know.

Oh well, I'm going, cause I still have a headache.
xoJen

Okay, so I think I did a really bad thing by talking to Dan again. I know I probably shouldn't, but I was talking to him for a while the other night. Deana definately doesn't think I should talk to him, but I don't know. He's such a sweet heart, and I am definately not mad at him or anything. I mean yeah I was, but then again I couldn't have done anything to make him not go out with someone. But anyways, yeah, so I talked to him. I was sooo happpy! But now I'm like ahhh was that a good idea? I don't understand why I'm doubting it or whatever. I don't know.

Yep, so basically I've been extremely bored for the last week. I'm finally going to make some plans soon, with Emily. Woohoo! And I'm going to search for jobs soon with Deana again. Yeah, that'll be fun. Haha. Ahh. I need a job in the worst way. I'm so sick of being at home! I have absolutely nothing to do, and I hate cleaning and all that fun stuff. I'd rather be out working for someone making money.Umm anyway. I'm getting wicked tired for some reason, so I'm cutting this one short.
xoJen

Yeah, so I havn't been using this so much lately, but I'm kinda bored right now. I don't really know what to do, and I know I just don't want to go home anymore. I prefer it a lot more in FL, where it's warmer, and sunnier, and just where I don't know anyone who can bring any kind of issue. Yeah, I know I am missed back home, I've been told by a few people, but even then, I just don't want to go home. I love it here. Yeah...I've been fighting with my family, but who cares!? It's my family, we always fight. To me. that is nothing, because our fights aren't that bad, or friendship threatening. It just hurts knowing that friendships have been breaking back home. Plus I also think I may need more time to think. I have been thinking about a lot since I've come here. I've been thinking about Dan, knowing he was worthless. I finally told my brother about him, and he even told me that he wasn't worth it. It showed me that he somewhat cared...but he really doesn't know the situation as well as my friends do.

I realized this week, that I have to learn to forgive and forget. I've been talking about it a lot with Deana, and she really helped me open up my eyes. She may not realize it, she may think she's being a bitch, and is just getting on my nerves, but she's really helping me. To this day, I really have NO clue of why I let Dan get to me. He was just a guy. A guy. He wasn't worth it. And I realized I was jealous of his girlfriend. Yes. Me. I was jealous of his girlfriend. I had wanted what she had with him, because I knew I was never giong to have a relationship with him like she had. I was his friend, and that's all we were going to be. He didn't know what he did to me, because he did nothing. He liked Ashley, and not me. Do I care now? No. It makes no sense. I'm just glad that my eyes have been opened, and I really thank Deana, and my brother for it. Paul has no clue what he's done for me.All the little talks we have at night, he doesn't realize that I loved it. We never talked like that before. He and I were always like "Oh where are you giong?" "Out," "Cool bye." That was it. I opened up just a little bit this week, and well I think I feel a little better about telling him a little but about what had happened a few months ago. Now it's just time to forget about it :)

Oh well, I'm going home tomorrow anyway, whether I like it or not, I'm going home. I really kinda just want to see my dad, but then again, I don't. He's hurt me the past few weeks. Although it's not physical, it's more mentally, but I've always said "I love you" to him, and then I'm here in FL, 1500 miles away from home, and I say "Dad I love you, here's mom" and all he has to say is "Yup okay bye" It hurt me, so now when I get home, I know I won't get an "I love you back" And it hurts more than you could ever know.

But I think that's it from here, I might update it tomorrow when I get home, I'm not sure yet.

Tonight was just pretty um well amazing? Haha I think I scared Chris Marino a bit (SORRYYY!!!!) and well I kinda wouldn't shut up while I was talking to Kelsey. Haha. We got a bit pissed earlier and we're like "Oh my God! How could they all have just left us and gone to the pond!?" Haha, but um we got over that quickly, 'cause we're hanging out.. Just the two of us. And now after I get the Warped Tour '06 CD I pretty much LOVE Crash Romeo. Yeah.

Well Today on the other hand was I guess exciting? Deana is away at MTOC THANK GOD haha.. Of course I'm kidding, but well she saw a guido there. Now I wish I went. Urg. Oh well I'll live.

Summer '06 (: Thank God.

Ohh, but before I forget I think I possibly like Mikee.. Sorry Sam:( But yeah I think I really do this time (: It makes me happy. Haha.

So I've been thinking a lot lately. And one thing I have thought about was how I felt when I found something out... this happened in the past. And well I figured out that thinking a certain way like I did isn't the answer. You just have to let somethings pass... and in my situation I HAD to let it pass. Yeah, I just figured out that I thought some certain way... but look at me now, I didn't follow through, I never even tried it, I didn't bother, because it wouldn't have been worth it. Thinking that way is selfish.. It's not the answer, and isn't the way to solve sadness. Atleast I let my feeling pass, and just go along with life, and let my friends and family make me happier without even knowing it.

Although I really wish I could get out of it.. I'm still kind of sad and I don't know why, I've just been wicked sad for the longest time, and there's nothing to help me get out of it.

And on top of all of that... My dad possibly has cancer. great. :(

Okay, so I havn't written in here in a while, and well honestly, nothing has changed. I'm just like wicked bored, and so excited for tomorrow. My family from England is finally coming. Yeah doesn't sounds exciting, but well I havn't seen these people since I was like 3 years old, and so I really want to see them now:)

Yeah...well let's say I'm over whatever his name is. I was wicked mad, so I deleted him from myspace, my phone, and aim, and that worked. Deana gave me the idea, and it really worked. I was so happy. But now, I guess I still really want to talk to him. I'm so tempted to add him to my buddy list again and IM him telling him I really need to talk to him or something. It might work... I don't know. I guess I just miss having him to talk to if one of my other friends was busy with something. It sounds so stupid, but I really do want to talk to him. I'm not even saying this to any of my friends, 'cause they all told me he wasn't worth it, and well I guess he wasn't. So I might as well forget we were even friends I guess=(

Okay so I havn't written in here in a while. I've had so much stuff on my mind. And it all ends up with me giving up on guys. I love 'em don't get me wrong, but I just feel like it's time I give up, because it's not going anywhere with one person. I mean I don't want to lose him, so I'm not even going to bring up the fact that I may actually love him. It's really annoying too, because I don't want to like/maybe love him anymore. I just can't get him out of my head. And well there's also the thing where someone keeps calling me privately and I answer it yet no one is on the other line. How convenient is that?! Yeah and well I've been kind of avoind some people.. not going to mention who, but I've been avoiding some people. But that's really not new or anything.

Today was so boring. Paul had me take the bus...I didn't mind really, but then when I was passing one street before mine, he shows up! He's like get in the car. I kept saying no, but I got in anyway. I was like whatever I'm not going to fight him, I'm just going to get in. And well when we got home, I did nothing. I didn't know what to do I was really bored. I talked to Rock and Sam today. And Jaime called me a punk... HAHA. Yeah I love that girl. And well yeah that's pretty much it.

50 of the MOST random questions ever...

1. Where were you 1 hour ago?
My house.

2. When is the last time you filled up your gas tank?
Uh I don't have a car.. but I filled my mom's up last Monday(:

3. What is the most amount of money you spent in one store?
Uh Idk the exact amount lol.

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Yeah.. my mom's wearing all pink ew it's kind of creepy!

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
Uh last Monday?

6. Are you wearing socks right now?
Nah.

7. Do you have a car worth over $5,000?
I DONT HAVE A CAR.

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
A while ago.

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
Yeah yesterday actually!

10. Are you popular?
I don't think so, but others might.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Water.

12. What was the last thing you mailed in the mail?
Uh Idk.

13. Do you wash your car?
I dont have a freaking car. Stop asking questions about it.

14. Last food you ate.
Strawberries.

15. Where were you last week at this time?
Here actually.

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Nah.

17. What bank do you use?
I'm blankin' on the name.. but it's like 5 minutes away from my house.

18. Do you own any land?
Nah.

19. What do you want to be when you "grow up"?
A prosecution attorney.

20. Your dream vacation?
Idk.

21. Last boat ride you went on?
Uhh Idr.

23. Are you in love?
Nah.

24. Do you have any single friends?
Mhmm.

25. Last play you saw?
Idk.

26. Have you been to New York?
YEAH!

27. What are your plans for tonight?
Hang around here.

28. Last concert you went to?
The little concert they had at SHS one day.

29. Next trip you are going to take?
Idk.

30. Ever go to camp?
Yeah.

31. Were you an honor roll student in school?
Yes.

32. What is your current GPA?
I don't know.

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne
Nah. Deodorant though.

34. Are you hungry?
No.

35. Where are your best friends located?
Some at their houses and others out somewhere.

36. Do you own a cowboy hat?
No, I want one though!

37. Do you have a tan?
A little.

38. How old do you want to be when you have kids?
Um Somewhere in my 20's.

39. Do you collect anything?
Nah.

40. Is this quiz annoying?
No. Its entertaining.

41. What is your desktop background?
Dane Cook.

42. Ever been arrested?
NO.

43. Been to Mexico for Spring Break?
Not for sping break.

44. Do you like hot sauce?
Uhh nahh.

45. Last time you had sex?
Never.

46. Do you need to do laundry?
Some stuff not a lot though.

47. How many friends do you have?
A lot.

48. Are you someone’s best friend?
Yeah.

49. Are you rich?
No.

50. What are you thinking about right this minute?
That my eye is a bt itchy lol

9 through 1

--9 LASTS--
1. cigarette: never
2. movie seen: nust love dogs.
3. phone call: my mother?
4. cd played: sugarcult
5. bubble bath: long time ago
6. time you cried: uhh a few days ago i think? maybe longer..
7. time you stayed up ALL night: august.. lmao
8. time you left the state you live in: uh feb.
9. drink: water

--8 HAVE YOU EVER--
1. Dated someone: no.
2. Skinny dipped: no
3. Kissed somebody and regretted it: no
4. Fallen in love: yes
5. Lost someone you loved: yes.
6. Depressed: yes.
7. Drunk and thrown up: no
8. Cried yourself to sleep: yeah it was like 6 years ago though.

--7 FRIENDS--
1. jayme
2. sam.
3. jason.
4. deana.
5. kirstyn.
6. emma
7. kristen

--6 THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY--
1. got up.
2. drank water.
3. let my dogs in(my mom put them out.
4. went on the computer.
5. made my bed
6. listened to music.

--5 FAVORITE THINGS--
1. friends.
2. music.
3. caffiene.
4. family.
5. fall

--4 PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING TO--
1. jayme.
2. deana.
3. sam
4. idk a 4th person

--3 WISHES--
1. uhh..
2. fun
3. to not hate certain people.


--2 THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE--
1. get married
2. live basically

--1 THING YOU REGRET--
1. making a myspace.<-- oh emilee i agree with you. uh it's annoying yet "addicting" so you spend your life on there.

Ew today is going to suck completely. I have an english test tomorrow, and then again I have to start my english project. Oh what fun! Eh.. it shouldn't be that bad, but it's just boring, and I wish we didn't have to have the test tomorrow and all that crap. Besides me wanting to push off studying for another couple hours, along with my english project, I have nothing to do today. Yesterday was a lot of fun though. I met up with Kelsey, Michelle, Stacie, Jeff, Jesse, Ben, and James (Michelle's boyfriend) at the movies and we saw She's The Man. Haha.. It was a lot of fun though to see everyone. I miss everyone so much. Well actually.. I had met James for the first time, but he seems really nice. Michelle and him are so cute together.

Uhh.. Seeing as how I really havn't been in the best mood for the past few weeks, I think I'm finally out of it! It's really good, because I havn't been myself here at my house at all. I've been wicked moody. They don't understand why, because I refuse to tell them what's been going on. Only my friends know and that's the way I'd like to keep it.

Oh well, again I'm really bored. I'm listening to music.. which I have been for the past 1/2 hour. Paul and dad are awake.. mom's still sleeping. And I wish I was her. Last night I was so tired, that I put my laptop on my table next to my bed waiting for Jason to say something, cause I didn't really know what to say, and then I closed my eyes (biggest mistake ever). Oh well.. to make a long story short, I fell asleep at my computer, and woke up with all my lights on and my stereo going. I felt wicked bad, cause Jason had IMed me a little after 10, but I had just gotten to sleep. Then I saw I had a text from Jason.. I again felt bad. I still feel kind of bad. lol Oh well I should go

Are you a good or bad boy/girl?? Add one point for everything you have done. If you get more than 60- you are bad! Lower than that-- no worries your still a little angel!

1) smoked
2) consumed alcohol
3) slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
4) slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
5) made out with someone of the opposite sex
6) made out with someone of the same sex
7) had someone in your room of the opposite sex
8) watched porn
9) bought porn
10) done drugs
total - 1

11) taken pain killers
12) taken someone elses prescription medicine
13) lied to your parents
14) lied to a friend
15) snuck out of the house
16) done something illegal
17) cut yourself
18) hurt someone
19) wished someone to die
20) seen someone die
total - 1

21) missed curfew
22) stayed out all night
23) eaten a carton of icecream by yourself
24) been to a therapist
25) been to rehab
26) died your hair
27) recieved a ticket
28) been in a wreck
29) been to a club
30) been to a bar
total - 1

31) been to a wild party
32) seen the Mardi Gras
34) had a spring break in Florida
35) sniffed anything
36) wore black nail polish
37) wore arm bands
38) wore t-shirts with band names
39) listened to rap
40) own a 50 cent cd
total - 5

41) dressed gothic
42) dressed prep
43) dressed punk
44) dressed grunge
45) stole something
46) been to drunk to remember anything
47) blacked out
48) fainted
49) had a crush on your neighbor
50) had someone sneak into your room
total - 1

51) snuck into some else's room
52) had a crush on someone of the same sex
53) been to a concert
54) dry humped someone
55) been called a slut
56) called someone a slut
57) installed speakers in your car
58) broke a mirror
59) showered at someone of the opposites sex's house
60) brushed your teeth with someone elses toothbrush
total - 4

61) consider ludacris your favorite rapper
62) seen an R rated movie in theaters
63) cruised the mall
64) skipped school
65) had an eating disorder
66) had an injury
67) gone to court
68) walked out of a resteraunt without paying
69) caught something on fire
70) lied about your age
total - 5

71) owned an apartment
72) cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend
73) cheated with someone
74) got in trouble with the police
75) talked to a stranger
76) hugged a stranger
77) kissed a stranger
78) rode in the car with a stranger
79) been sexually harrassed
80) been verbally harrassed
total - 0

81) met face to face with someone you met online
82) stayed online for 12 hours straight
83) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight
84) watched tv for 12 hours straight
85) been to a fair
86) been called a bad influence
87) cursed
88) prank called someone
89) laid in the bed with someone of the opposite sex
90) cheated on a test
total - 3

91) cheated on homework
92) held hands with someone of the opposite sex
93) been pushed into a pool
94) played pool
95) watched 5 hours of mtv straight
96) had a crush on someone 10 years older than you
97) had a crush on someone younger than you
98) wear eyeliner
99) skinny dipped
100) laughed at someone who was seriously hurt
total - 3

I long to talk to you.
To hear your voice.
To see you instant messages.

I miss you.
I hope you miss me.
I really loved you.
Did you love me?

You make me feel useless.
Unwanted.
Like I'm imperfect.
And not good enough for life.

So this my dear is for you.
Only you can save me.
No one else.

You broke my heart into a million pieces.
Are you happy?
I sure as hell am not.